Changes

Yeah...
So Last year wasn't great...With all the big hits in the guts I've had, and letting go of an angel...
Safe to say I haven't done very well this year. It was truly one of the wildest years I've had in a while.

But, on the bright side, I've also learned a lot about myself. For example, I learned that I am NOT in fact aromantic. Rather, I kinda depend on a reliable source of mutual love in order to be happy.
I've also learned that I dislike the idea of Polyamory. I want a true relationship with someone who is truly dedicated to me, and I want to dedicate myself to someone that I can depend on.
I don't think I am ready to start something new yet, though. I am scared to get hurt, so fast after a breakdown. Because, let me tell you, my last breakdown was a heavy one. I didn't think life was worth living anymore. That's how bad it was when I came home that day, and realized just how lonely I was feeling.

I've been doing better, but if I'm gonna stay better. Some things need to change.
For starters, I'm officially changing my preferred calling name to Raven. But you can still call me Yuuki, or by my screen name "Riddim_GLiTCH", or "RDG" for short
I feel more comfortable with this name, it matches my style more.
I'm also gonna seek therapy. While I can't change how I feel, I can change how I handle these feelings. And there are many better ways to handle negative emotions than fucking beating myself up over it and telling myself its all my fault.
I wanna become a stronger person, someone who can deal better with sudden changes and negative blows. But the road to get there is gonna be long and hard
Its upsetting that I've met someone so amazing, but can't be with in a reasonable way. I'm gonna miss what I had with Sylvie. But I'm not gonna push them any further. If I truly love them, then I need to accept the fact that its over and just let go.

For the rest of the year, I'm gonna work on self-improvements, as well as focus more on actually working on my projects instead of just slacking off, which was also a result of a lingering depression that never really left. Heartache gets under your skin like that.
I've already made up my mind on next years new-years Resolution: ACTUALLY fix myself.
Here's to hoping I actually become a better person.